The beak.

The beak

• Raise the Umbrella and learn how to keep others dry

  Maurice Duffy

  March 4, 2010

  I was reading through one of my fellow bloggers sites and reviewed some of the pictures of the decades and could not help but be depressed by the insanity of the world we live in and our ability to inflict pain and suffering on each other. All of us have a responsibility to lift our game both individually and collectively to make this a reality. Now, I am not asking that we all become charismatic in engaging self righteous individuals. I do think we can all take the world a little more seriously and do our bit to increase the human interaction to a much more charitable and forgiving place. I remember reading a quote from Mother Teresa and forgive me if I am not exact on the words, but she did say that she would never join an anti-war rally, but a rally for peace, she would be there every time. I do feel we can shape people thinking by focusing on the positive. My point is not to turn you into a jokemaster, but rather to help you find ways to look at life from a different perspective. So, with that in mind, here are ways to inject some levity into your workplace.
  
  Lampoon hypocrisy. Challenge those who talk not live the talk.
  Take the high and mighty down a peg. Let’s not take ourselves too seriously. Make it safe for people to make light of your shortcomings.
  Put up an Umbrella and dance. As a leader, learn how to raise an umbrella so all the crap falls away and you take responsibility for what happens under that umbrella. Keep it light, keep it fun, keep the trust alive.
  Point out absurdity. Be the one who people look to, that focuses on truth. Be the one who dreams the dream but people look to be inspired by, not scared of. Look to be the one people follow naturally and instinctively because of the truth and trust you give.
  
  The point is not about working and being committed. It’s about the manner in which you do it, the mindset you bring to it, the engagement you create in other people, and the sense of purpose and humour you bring to it.
  
  As with all things humorous, tread carefully. Avoid jokes that lampoon gender and ethnicity; if you suspect a joke may be taken the wrong way, act on that assumption and don't use it. The point of humour in the workplace is not telling jokes; it is to lighten the mood.

  

The beak

• The Conspiracy of Consulting - Phil and Kirsty

  Gary Watson

  November 24, 2009

  My wife likes the show so I'm obliged to like the show. Thank God they don't do a box set of this stuff. I'd rather spend my time finding obscure plumbing parts in B&Q. Even if it involved travelling there with Radio 1 on.
  
  The show is fine from time to time. Those two seem amiable enough and their banter, while a little contrived on occasions, has a gentle humour like 'Last of the Summer Wine' without the constant memento mori. The people on there rarely look like they belong on a freak show and on the odd occasions when they do it comes as a nice surprise. People with pony tails and hacking laughs give me a comforting sense of superiority while I still wonder how they can afford a £750k home in Bedford Falls while I can't afford lino for my kitchen in Pottersville.
  
  My problem with the show is that they dress up the suggestions to look like cognoscenti consulting advice. Arcane, esoteric, impenetrable, unknowable to ordinary folk.
  
  Finding a house you like and getting it for a decent price is not a simple task for Kirsty and Phil. It's a plot from a Dan Brown novel where every partitioned room and split level kitchen is cause for rumination, contemplation and interpretation. To get a house you don't need a copy of the local property supplement and a friendly mortgage lender (c/o HM Govt). Oh no, you fool. You need the guile of Napoleon, the sagacity of Socrates, the doggedness of Churchill, the ruthlessness of Stalin and the versatility of Ant and Dec.
  
  The show should be ten minutes long. Go on the web. Find houses that seem right. Look at the snaps. Pick a couple to look at on a Saturday morning before you nip to TK Maxx and then throw in a daft offer and keep your fingers crossed. Tidied.
  
  You don't need a Phd in property to know that any more than you need a City and Guilds in banking to run our lending institutions into the ground.
  
  So Phil, Kirsty, I like you but if I want to watch people who dress up and pretend to be something they're not I'll find them on the internet when I've got the house to myself.

  

The beak

• The Conspiracy of Consulting - Phil and Kirsty

  Gary Watson

  November 24, 2009

  My wife likes the show so I'm obliged to like the show. Thank God they don't do a box set of this stuff. I'd rather spend my time finding obscure plumbing parts in B&Q. Even if it involved travelling there with Radio 1 on.
  
  The show is fine from time to time. Those two seem amiable enough and their banter, while a little contrived on occasions, has a gentle humour like 'Last of the Summer Wine' without the constant memento mori. The people on there rarely look like they belong on a freak show and on the odd occasions when they do it comes as a nice surprise. People with pony tails and hacking laughs give me a comforting sense of superiority while I still wonder how they can afford a £750k home in Bedford Falls while I can't afford lino for my kitchen in Pottersville.
  
  My problem with the show is that they dress up the suggestions to look like cognoscenti consulting advice. Arcane, esoteric, impenetrable, unknowable to ordinary folk.
  
  Finding a house you like and getting it for a decent price is not a simple task for Kirsty and Phil. It's a plot from a Dan Brown novel where every partitioned room and split level kitchen is cause for rumination, contemplation and interpretation. To get a house you don't need a copy of the local property supplement and a friendly mortgage lender (c/o HM Govt). Oh no, you fool. You need the guile of Napoleon, the sagacity of Socrates, the doggedness of Churchill, the ruthlessness of Stalin and the versatility of Ant and Dec.
  
  The show should be ten minutes long. Go on the web. Find houses that seem right. Look at the snaps. Pick a couple to look at on a Saturday morning before you nip to TK Maxx and then throw in a daft offer and keep your fingers crossed. Tidied.
  
  You don't need a Phd in property to know that any more than you need a City and Guilds in banking to run our lending institutions into the ground.
  
  So Phil, Kirsty, I like you but if I want to watch people who dress up and pretend to be something they're not I'll find them on the internet when I've got the house to myself.

  

The beak

• The Conspiracy of Consulting - Phil and Kirsty

  Gary Watson

  November 24, 2009

  My wife likes the show so I'm obliged to like the show. Thank God they don't do a box set of this stuff. I'd rather spend my time finding obscure plumbing parts in B&Q. Even if it involved travelling there with Radio 1 on.
  
  The show is fine from time to time. Those two seem amiable enough and their banter, while a little contrived on occasions, has a gentle humour like 'Last of the Summer Wine' without the constant memento mori. The people on there rarely look like they belong on a freak show and on the odd occasions when they do it comes as a nice surprise. People with pony tails and hacking laughs give me a comforting sense of superiority while I still wonder how they can afford a £750k home in Bedford Falls while I can't afford lino for my kitchen in Pottersville.
  
  My problem with the show is that they dress up the suggestions to look like cognoscenti consulting advice. Arcane, esoteric, impenetrable, unknowable to ordinary folk.
  
  Finding a house you like and getting it for a decent price is not a simple task for Kirsty and Phil. It's a plot from a Dan Brown novel where every partitioned room and split level kitchen is cause for rumination, contemplation and interpretation. To get a house you don't need a copy of the local property supplement and a friendly mortgage lender (c/o HM Govt). Oh no, you fool. You need the guile of Napoleon, the sagacity of Socrates, the doggedness of Churchill, the ruthlessness of Stalin and the versatility of Ant and Dec.
  
  The show should be ten minutes long. Go on the web. Find houses that seem right. Look at the snaps. Pick a couple to look at on a Saturday morning before you nip to TK Maxx and then throw in a daft offer and keep your fingers crossed. Tidied.
  
  You don't need a Phd in property to know that any more than you need a City and Guilds in banking to run our lending institutions into the ground.
  
  So Phil, Kirsty, I like you but if I want to watch people who dress up and pretend to be something they're not I'll find them on the internet when I've got the house to myself.

  

The beak

• Trophies

  Gary Watson

  November 23, 2009

  Crikey. Lee Westwood must have had to pay a baggage supplement for the Dubai World Golf trophy he won yesterday. It was huge. Foolishly, he tried to raise it above his head but without the assistance of gamma radiation he struggled badly. His top lip quivered, his nostrils flared and his left knee wobbled. I thought he was about to start singing 'Jailhouse Rock'.

  What was the point of making the trophy so chavatastically enormous? Where's he going to keep it? On the roof so he can pick up Radio Yemen? In his garden as an aviary for large birds with vast wing spans that like to soar majestically above the cloud line?

  I know some self-deprecating types keep their trophies in the toilet. This isn't an option. Visitors will think it's a hygiene device for harvesting those parts of your 'personal toilet' that the other bathroom accoutrements cannot reach. Well done on the win, Lee. I can't help but wonder if McGowan (the guy who came second) knew what was on offer and missed a few shots to avoid the battle with the luggage check-in at Ryanair.

  Sadly, perhaps, you tend not to win trophies in a normal job. Unless it's at one of those awful industry dinner events where wine brimmeth over the glass, the neck brimmeth over the collar and the acceptance speeches brimmeth over everyone's attention as they've really only come to get hammered on expenses and guffaw at Jeremy Clarkson's after dinner rant. Who wants to win one of those? A few weeks later you see yourself in a picture in the trade magazine with a fat red head, a cumabund fighting forlornly to mask your paunch and a patterned bow tie that you think shows your personality but actually makes you look a children's entertainer who struggles for bookings.
  I won a trophy at work once. It was brown. Not a colour that you'd normally associate with trophies. That didn't stop me from building a plinth and a hallway water feature to set it off. After all, it is a trophy.
  
  

  

The beak

• Trophies

  Gary Watson

  November 23, 2009

  Crikey. Lee Westwood must have had to pay a baggage supplement for the Dubai World Golf trophy he won yesterday. It was huge. Foolishly, he tried to raise it above his head but without the assistance of gamma radiation he struggled badly. His top lip quivered, his nostrils flared and his left knee wobbled. I thought he was about to start singing 'Jailhouse Rock'.

  What was the point of making the trophy so chavatastically enormous? Where's he going to keep it? On the roof so he can pick up Radio Yemen? In his garden as an aviary for large birds with vast wing spans that like to soar majestically above the cloud line?

  I know some self-deprecating types keep their trophies in the toilet. This isn't an option. Visitors will think it's a hygiene device for harvesting those parts of your 'personal toilet' that the other bathroom accoutrements cannot reach. Well done on the win, Lee. I can't help but wonder if McGowan (the guy who came second) knew what was on offer and missed a few shots to avoid the battle with the luggage check-in at Ryanair.

  Sadly, perhaps, you tend not to win trophies in a normal job. Unless it's at one of those awful industry dinner events where wine brimmeth over the glass, the neck brimmeth over the collar and the acceptance speeches brimmeth over everyone's attention as they've really only come to get hammered on expenses and guffaw at Jeremy Clarkson's after dinner rant. Who wants to win one of those? A few weeks later you see yourself in a picture in the trade magazine with a fat red head, a cumabund fighting forlornly to mask your paunch and a patterned bow tie that you think shows your personality but actually makes you look a children's entertainer who struggles for bookings.
  I won a trophy at work once. It was brown. Not a colour that you'd normally associate with trophies. That didn't stop me from building a plinth and a hallway water feature to set it off. After all, it is a trophy.
  
  

  

The beak

• Trophies

  Gary Watson

  November 23, 2009

  Crikey. Lee Westwood must have had to pay a baggage supplement for the Dubai World Golf trophy he won yesterday. It was huge. Foolishly, he tried to raise it above his head but without the assistance of gamma radiation he struggled badly. His top lip quivered, his nostrils flared and his left knee wobbled. I thought he was about to start singing 'Jailhouse Rock'.

  What was the point of making the trophy so chavatastically enormous? Where's he going to keep it? On the roof so he can pick up Radio Yemen? In his garden as an aviary for large birds with vast wing spans that like to soar majestically above the cloud line?

  I know some self-deprecating types keep their trophies in the toilet. This isn't an option. Visitors will think it's a hygiene device for harvesting those parts of your 'personal toilet' that the other bathroom accoutrements cannot reach. Well done on the win, Lee. I can't help but wonder if McGowan (the guy who came second) knew what was on offer and missed a few shots to avoid the battle with the luggage check-in at Ryanair.

  Sadly, perhaps, you tend not to win trophies in a normal job. Unless it's at one of those awful industry dinner events where wine brimmeth over the glass, the neck brimmeth over the collar and the acceptance speeches brimmeth over everyone's attention as they've really only come to get hammered on expenses and guffaw at Jeremy Clarkson's after dinner rant. Who wants to win one of those? A few weeks later you see yourself in a picture in the trade magazine with a fat red head, a cumabund fighting forlornly to mask your paunch and a patterned bow tie that you think shows your personality but actually makes you look a children's entertainer who struggles for bookings.
  I won a trophy at work once. It was brown. Not a colour that you'd normally associate with trophies. That didn't stop me from building a plinth and a hallway water feature to set it off. After all, it is a trophy.
  
  

  

The beak

• Are We All Dancing in Step

  Maurice Duffy

  November 17, 2009

  The Coming of Change Somewhere out there is a bullet with your Company’s name on it. Somewhere out there is a competitor, unborn and unknown, that will render your strategy obsolete. You cannot dodge the bullet. You are going to have to shoot first. You are going to have to out-innovate the innovators. I have used this line in a number of Leadership Innovation Workshops that we have run, and whilst there is a well recognised need that innovation is critical to future survival, there is apathy to the need for the right angle turn leadership needs to commit to in order to make innovation the oxygen of the business. I was reminded recently, when talking to a large client about their change programme, how flawed our thinking can be when we become insulated and full of self importance within large corporate monoliths. My client who is a very senior player in a big brand UK technology company, released that the investment community felt that breaking their business up would realise greater returns than retaining it as one entity. However as he scenario-planned how to resist that challenge his belief set drove him to conclude that realigning the structure would stave off outside attack whilst forgetting completely that people, their emotions, skill and competence can enhance or derail change in an instant. As we look into the future there is a black hole that will undoubtedly suck large numbers of businesses into oblivion, and challenge those who remain to deal with change like we have never encountered it before. Change and its impact is something leaders pontificate about, when implementing things that affect others and not them. Change is not something that you do to others, but something that is embraced by all if its impact is to be sustainable and impactful. However we cannot tell people to embrace and get on board whichever is the latest change programme leaving the station. The last hundred years have seen the evolution of business leadership range from Frederick Taylor's principals of segmenting work into isolated functions, through Deming's continuous quality improvement programmes, to chaos and complexity theory that view organisations as self-evolving and organising learning organisations. We have heard about the need for change. The need for change is used by many as a way of covering for incompetence but that is a story for another day. We have listened to educators and futurists tell us about the need to embrace change and to learn to deal with ambiguity and the speed of change. All of this has been built on the premise that we were anchored in the present and that we could incrementally manage the transition, and educate ourselves to adapt and reshape; these scenarios are flawed, and those who apply innovation and change to their current systems/applications/models and people are building upon old world thinking and are doomed to failure. My belief is that the chaos theory needs to be applied to our current business models/practices to achieve an organisational paradigm that will represent the next step in the collective evolution of next practice business. I contend that chaos intrapreneurs are the new wave crafters of next generation business models. The old definition of an intrapreneur was a person within a large corporation who takes direct responsibility for turning an idea into a profitable finished product through assertive risk-taking and innovation .